Subject: Beliefs (Page 41)

My dad was old school Jewish… not do your taxes Jewish – steal your car Jewish.

American comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

Hell is easy to define; it would be spending eternity with Evangelicals.

American judge & lawyer
Beliefs Opinion People Religion

In the beginning there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light,’ and there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.

(1949 – ) Canadian comedian & actor
Beliefs God

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

(1945 – 2010) American comedian & actor
Characteristics Honesty Intelligence

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.

Beliefs God Sex

What does an atheist say during an orgasm?

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Religion Sex

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Beliefs Intelligence Religion

Let my people go!

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you.

Beliefs People

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

Ridiculous stereotypes often make people very ignorant towards other nationalities. For example, I’m in good shape, intelligent, and I don’t have sex with my cousins, and yet still people assume I’m American.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs People Religion

To the French, lying is simply talking.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Lies People Places

Man was predestined to have free will.

Beliefs Wordplay

My friend Phil was brought up Orthodox Jewish… he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Beliefs Religion

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can’t tell the truth without lying.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Characteristics Honesty Lies

When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am grown up, they call me a writer.

(1902 – 1991) Polish Jewish American author
Communication Lies Occupations Reading/Writing Work

Faith: Not wanting to know what is true.

(1844 – 1900) German philosopher
Beliefs Definitions

I believe in the right to arm bears.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Beliefs Opinion Wordplay

He would not blow his nose without moralizing on conditions in the handkerchief industry.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer
Insults Opinion

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

(1922 – 2007) American novelist
Beliefs

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Beliefs Proverbs