Subject: Death (Page 11)

Jolson’s funeral was widely attended by those who wanted to make sure.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer
Death

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?

(1810 – 1891) American showman, businessman, entertainer & circus founder
Last words

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

(1894 – 1963) English writer
Death People

The way I see life, is like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg… why fight over the window seats?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Death Life

More weight.

(c.1611 – 1692) a prosperous farmer and church member in early colonial America who died under judicial torture during the Salem witch trials
Last words

Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.

(? – 1928) mob boss
Last words

Where is my clock?

(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter
Last words

Last night, I blew $5,000 on a reincarnation seminar… I figured, ‘What the hell; you only live once.’

comedian
Death Life

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

John Rogers did.

(1812 – 1899) American attorney
Last words

No comment.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist
Last words

It is hovering and it's not an aircraft.

(c.1958 – presumed dead in 1978 ) Australian pilot
Last words

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Death

You sons of bitches, give my love to Mother!

(1912 - 1932) American convicted murderer & career criminal
Last words

Suicide is cheating the doctor out of a job.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Death Doctors Health

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Death

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

If this is dying, I don’t think much of it.

(1880 – 1932) British writer & critic
Death

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can’t get out and those outside don’t want to get in.

(1864 – 1936) American newspaper editor & writer
Death Places

I asked my doctor how many more years I have left and he said, 'You're too ornery to die.'

(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder
Baseball Death Sports