Subject: Death (Page 24)

I need no doctor. I can overcome my own troubles.

(1808 – 1875) 17th U.S. President
Last words

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Death Government Taxes

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Death People Self

My grief counsellor died the other day… but he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Death Emotions

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can’t get out and those outside don’t want to get in.

(1864 – 1936) American newspaper editor & writer
Death Places

Born in a hotel room, and Goddammit, died in one!

(1888 – 1953) American playwright
Last words

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Death Places

Everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses.

(1859 – 1927) English writer
Death

Oblituaries

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Malaprops

Only you have ever understood me… and you got it wrong.

(1770 – 1831) German philosopher
Last words

It's all been rather lovely.

(1912 – 1983) English actor
Last words

More weight.

(c.1611 – 1692) a prosperous farmer and church member in early colonial America who died under judicial torture during the Salem witch trials
Last words

The best way to die is to sit under a tree, eats lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer and blow up.

(1925 – ) American professional football player
Death Football Sports

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.

Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Death Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I wish I was skiing.
Nurse: Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?
No, but I'd rather be skiing than doing what I'm doing.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)
Last words

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Death

Money still talks these days… trouble is, you have to increase the volume alot!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Death Money Time

Why should I talk to you?… I've just been talking to your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Communication Death God

Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Death

Death takes no bribes.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Death