Subject: Definitions (Page 73)

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Neurotic: A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you.

Definitions People

Gold Digger: A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test.

Definitions Money People Women

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds an office that a Republican wants.

Definitions Government Politicians

Rear: In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Congress Definitions Military

Matrimony: The splice of life.

Definitions Marriage Wordplay

Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary.

Definitions Marriage Time

Old Age: When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

Age Definitions

Virus: A Latin medical term meaning, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Definitions Health

Spine: A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.

Definitions

Travel Brochure: A trip teaser.

Definitions

Houseplants: Vegetable companions.

Definitions

Abash: A high school graduation party.

Definitions

Epigram: A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other half.

Definitions

Quartet: Four men, all of whom think that the other three can’t sing.

Definitions Entertainment

Heckler: A guy who ribs you the wrong way.

Definitions Wordplay

Caramel: A substance for extracting children’s teeth.

Definitions Food/Drink

Gimme: An agreement between two duffer golfers who can’t putt.

Definitions Golf Sports

Repressed: Sitting on one’s inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, as practiced by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Experimental psychologist: A scientist who pulls habits out of rats.

(1904 – 1974) American author & radio producer
Definitions Occupations Wordplay Work

Barber: The town cutup.

Definitions Wordplay