Subject: Family (Page 10)

Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian

I was raised as an only child… which really annoyed my sister.

British comedian

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Kin: An affliction of the blood.

I get on very well with my parents, give or take my mother.

English comedian & actor

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I don’t visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won’t wait in the yard while I run in.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault