Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 10)
My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family
TV/Movie Quotes
As Alvy Singer in “Annie Hall”
Grandmother
I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.
Clinton Jackson
comedian
Children
Family
Fathers
Video games
Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities
Children
Games
Cheat
Opponents
Scrabble
Winning
Money – the one thing that keeps us in touch with our children.
Gyles Brandreth
(1948 – ) English writer, broadcaster, actor & politician
Children
Family
Money
Raised by two mothers? … Wow, most of us barely survive one.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family
Mothers
… without embarrassing parents there’d be no psychology.
Kelsey Grammer
(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer
Family
Parents
TV/Movie Quotes
As Frasier Crane in “Frasier”
My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol
Fathers
Food/Drink
Alcoholics
I just got out of the hospital… I had my mother removed from my back.
Larry Amoros
comedian & television writer
Beliefs
Family
Mothers
Travel
Criticism
Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Family
Parents
Running away from home
It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.
Sam Austin
comedian, composer & lyricist
Appearance
Characteristics
Mothers
Black
Homosexuals
I don’t know who my grandfather was; I’m much more concerned to know who his grandson will be.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Family
Grandchildren
Grandfathers
Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family
Science/Weather
Distance
Relatives
Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Age
Children
Family
Fear
Parents
Past
The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter but gaining a bathroom.
Anonymous
Family
Marriage
Brides
Rich people bring a lawyer; Latinos and blacks bring their moms.
Felipe Esparza
(1976 – ) comedian
Lawyers
Money
Mothers
People
Blacks
Latinos
There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family
Mothers
Cleanliness
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Tina Fey
(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Children
Family
From 'A Mother's Prayer for Her Child'
My parents only had one argument in forty-five years; it lasted forty-three years.
Cathy Ladman
American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor
Conflict
Parents
Relationships
Time
Srguments
To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children
Family
Life
Pregnancy
You might be a redneck if… you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family
People
Rednecks
Bubba
Cousins
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
Lenny Bruce
(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Family
Relationships
Sex
Anonymous donors
Daughter
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