Subject: Family (Page 10)

Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law.

Family Proverbs

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.

Age Children Family Learning

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Family Language Last words

I was raised as an only child… which really annoyed my sister.

British comedian
Children Family

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age Family Relationships Sex

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Husbands Marriage

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

Children Family Proverbs

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance Characteristics Children Intelligence Religion Wives

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

Kin: An affliction of the blood.

Definitions Family

I get on very well with my parents, give or take my mother.

English comedian & actor
Family Mothers Parents

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Definitions Family

I don’t visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won’t wait in the yard while I run in.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Family Mothers

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

Book Titles Children Family