Subject: Marriage (Page 7)

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

(1924 – 2008) American actress
Communication Marriage Speech

Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny.

typographer
Definitions Marriage

Marriage is supposed to be permanent; it’s like a tattoo that yells at you.

American comedian & actor
Marriage

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You're only interested in one thing,” and you can't remember what it is.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Marriage Memory Sex

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

After a while, marriage is a sibling relationship – marked by occasional and rather regrettable, episodes of incest.

(1949 – ) English novelist
Marriage

It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.

American football coach
Football Marriage Sports Wives

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later, and for another thing, they die earlier.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage Men Women

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Marriage People Wealth

Engagement: A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement.

Definitions Marriage

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Communication Conversation Husbands Marriage Wives

I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Marriage Wives

I’d go to the end of the world for my husband; of course, if he’d just stop and ask directions, I wouldn’t have to.

(1951 – ) American author, playwright & lyricist
Husbands Marriage

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage People Women

Lately, I think that my wife has been fooling around because our parrot keeps saying, ‘Give it to me hard and fast before my husband, Jon Katz, comes home; and, yes, I’d love a cracker.’

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Marriage Wives

Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage Men School

Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

(1933 – 2007) Am. evangelical pastor, televangelist, & political commentator
Marriage Sex

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Emotions Love Marriage

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

(1882 – 1942) American actor
Divorce Marriage Money Time

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Wives