Subject: Marriage » Wives (Page 7)

Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking…,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

American actor & comedian

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Wife Regrets Staying With Man She Killed

She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn't really like me very much; but luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.

comedian

Wife: A former sweetheart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian

Bigamy is having one wife too many; monogamy is the same.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

I’ve never won an argument with her; and the only times I thought I had, I found out the argument wasn’t over yet.

(1924 – ) 39th U.S. president & humanitarian

The other day my wife asked me to take her someplace real expensive to eat, so I took her to the airport.

stand-up comedian

When in the course of human affairs – your spouse always finds out.

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Generally speaking, my wife is generally speaking.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we'll never see each other!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Hovering between wife and death.

(1771 – 1854) Scottish writer

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

I haven't spoken to my wife in years; I didn't want to interrupt her.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor