Subject: People (Page 2)

It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding.

(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman
Entertainment People Places

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Friends Marriage Old People

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you – not one of you – enter!

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
People Self

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

There’s a reason it’s called ‘Girls gone wild’ and not ‘Women gone wild;’ when girls go wild they show their tits to people; when women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director
Girls People Women

Advice to anglers: don't take advice from people with missing fingers.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Activities People Sports

You might be a redneck if… you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Places Rednecks Things

Homosexuality is God’s way of ensuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children.

comedian, composer & lyricist
Characteristics Children Intelligence People

Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Body Sex Women

If the Bible has taught us anything – which it hasn't – it's that girls should stick to girl's sports like hot oil wrestling…

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Girls Sports TV/Movie Quotes

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Autos People Things Women

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence People Stupidity

Men are animals and as such are entitled to human treatment and should not be trapped or shot or bred for food or fur.


Men People

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

(1844 – 1924) French novelist
Characteristics People

Men are only as loyal as their options.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Men Sex

Cannibals are not vegetarians, they are humanitarians.

Food/Drink People

Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor; it’s the other way around… they never vote for us.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Government Misspokements People

Friend: A good friend is like a good bra… hard to find, supportive, comfortable, and always close to your heart.

Definitions Friends People

If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
People Problems Self

Any girl can be glamorous… all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

(1913 – 2000) Austrian-American actress, mathematician & inventor
Appearance People Women

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark…

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf People Sports