Subject: Situations (Page 32)

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Appearance Body Money Situations Women

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Money Situations

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Situations

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible that you haven’t understood the situation.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

(1952 – ) American columnist & author
People Self Situations

People that put up Christmas decorations, all they’re saying is ‘Hey, we’re not Jews.’

(1957 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion Situations

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50–50 it will.

Situations

Two blind fellows walk into a wall…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
People Situations

You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations Things

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Politicians Situations

For some not to be martyrs is martyrdom indeed.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People Situations

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Problems Situations

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped… so presumably it got better.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," – 'til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations