Subject: Situations (Page 32)

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Family Parents Situations

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said “No Dumping”; that was alright as I was just having a piss… so it didn’t affect me.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Everything is just peaches and beans.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in!

Situations

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.

(1882 – 1961) politician
Communication Language Situations Speech

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Communication Situations Speech

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Failure Situations Success

Gain a modest reputation for being unreliable and you will never be asked to do a thing.

(1941 – ) novelist
Characteristics Situations

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Problems Situations

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach
Life Situations

I used to sell furniture for a living… the trouble was, it was my own.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian
Money Poverty Situations

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.

Proverbs Situations

Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Conflict Situations War