Subject: Situations (Page 37)

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Situations Things

If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Situations

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Relationships Situations

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Animals Books Communication Dogs Intelligence Reading/Writing Relationships Situations

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer
Conflict Situations

Banquet doorman: Your coat, sir?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, it is. And I have a receipt to prove it.

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Relationships Situations

Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Mistakes Problems Situations Time

Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Situations

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Murphy’s Laws Places Situations

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an ax.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Situations

I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost; however, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Situations

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

(1967 – ) American television host, producer, writer & comedian
Situations

Gimme:  An agreement between two losers who can't putt.

(1907 – 1987) American journalist & author
Golf Situations Sports

First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook – it’s a back to school holiday.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Religion Situations

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

The Ku Klux Klan actually adopted a highway, which is futile, because that just means, anywhere you go, there's just going to be white trash on the streets.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Situations

Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole-in-one.

Golf Situations Sports

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations