Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 46)
Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.
First Rule of Acting
Acting
Entertainment
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Mistakes
Problems
Situations
Time
Experience
If you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but, if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.
Larry Miller
(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Age
Old
Situations
Young
Staying up all night
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Texas proverb
Beliefs
Proverbs
Situations
Spurs
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
Jimmy Kimmel
(1967 – ) American television host, producer, writer & comedian
Situations
Alone
My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating
Relationships
Situations
When someone close to you dies… move seats.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death
Situations
Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations
Time
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
Lloyd Bridges
Situations
TV/Movie Quotes
Amphetamines
As Steve McCroskey in “Airplane!”
But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.
Jim Hightower
(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Driving
Situations
Wrongs
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
Hutchinson’s Law
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Attention
Distraction
Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
Linda Festa
Situations
Candy
Strangers
The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy – give one and take ten.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Communication
Situations
Diplomacy
Give and take
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
W.H. Auden
(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Situations
Sleep
Speech
Professors
Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.
G.K. Chesterton
(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations
Fences
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Cold
New York City
Places
Science/Weather
Situations
Flashers
Two blind fellows walk into a wall…
Lee Mack
(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
People
Situations
Blind
I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex
Situations
Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'
Marc Maron
(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Arms
Conflict
Killing
Situations
Gun
Suicide
Surprises
It's strange, isn't it… you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper
(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Communication
Situations
Speech
Airplanes
Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Tom Lehrer
(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication
Problems
Situations
Wordplay
Also Bob Newhart
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