Subject: Situations (Page 46)

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities Sex Situations

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian
Situations Television Things

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

Birthday parties always end in tears.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Communication Emotions Situations

Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.

(died 1457) English Bishop of Salisbury
People Situations

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Problems Situations

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing Jell-O® to a tree.

(1950 – 1994) Canadian actor & comedian
Situations

I was in my car driving back from work, when a police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window; I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'

(1976 – ) English comedian
Activities Driving Situations

Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad!

(1946 – ) American comedian
Situations

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Situations Sleep

Beware the smile of a waiter… it means he's pissed in your soup.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Food/Drink Situations

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Age Children Family Situations Sleep

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Situations

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.

(1877 – 1956) U.S. vice president & politician
Alcohol People Situations