Subject: Situations (Page 46)

I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me… sleep on it.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Proverbs Situations

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Memory Situations

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Life Situations Sleep

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears; what the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

It is impossible to distinguish, from a distance, whether the bureaucrats associated with your project are simply sitting on their hands, or frantically trying to cover their asses.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations

Never moon a werewolf.

(1958 – ) screenwriter, film director & actor
Problems Situations

It was a tough gig; they had to wake me up to fire me.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations Work

Some people talk in their sleep; lecturers talk while other people sleep.

(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
Communication Situations Sleep Speech

He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules.

(1909 – 2008) U.S. secretary of agriculture
Situations

Tell him I’ve been too f**king busy – or vice versa.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Sex Situations Time

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Relationships Situations

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I actually stole it off a short, fat kid.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Situations

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

(1982 – ) American author
Activities Situations

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

(1819 – 1891) American novelist, essayist & poet
People Situations

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep