Subject: Situations (Page 52)

Order is an exotic in Ireland; it has been imported from England but it will not grow. It suits neither soil nor climate.

(1818 – 1894) English historian, novelist, biographer & editor
Places Situations

Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

He just can’t believe what’s not happening to him.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Colemanballs Misspokements Situations

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

Situations

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said “No Dumping”; that was alright as I was just having a piss… so it didn’t affect me.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Cold New York City Places Science/Weather Situations

The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
People Situations Time

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My doctor said, 'I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!'

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Problems Situations

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.

(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations Things

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems Situations

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics People Situations

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations