Subject: Things » Autos (Page 5)

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll beneath the vehicle to its exact centre.

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Automobile: A payment plan on wheels.