Subject: Things (Page 37)

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money Things

Antique: An object that has made a round trip to the attic.

Definitions Things

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Food/Drink People Things

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

It’s not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Arms Life Things

Never throw away anything unless you know what it came from.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Personally, I’m waiting for caller IQ.

(1955 – ) American comedian, singer, actress & author
Intelligence People Things

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

(1970 – ) American comedian & television game show host
Occupations Things Work

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

Cars will not have intercourse in this bridge!

Autos Signs Translations

A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day.

Murphy’s Laws Things

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

Murphy’s Laws Things

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Sex Things

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Things

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things