Subject: Time (Page 25)

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Time

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator…. he didn’t get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics People Time

Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands – and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Activities Money Places Time

Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.

(1893 – 1978) American author
Time

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Books Communication History Reading/Writing

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
People Relationships Time Women

Shirley Temple had charisma as a child… but it cleared up as an adult.

(1930 – 1978) American comedian
Characteristics Time

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

Marriage Money Murphy’s Laws Time

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.

(1894 – 1963) English writer
Past Science/Weather Time

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Love Time

Yesterday: The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Age Definitions Time Young

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men Relationships Time

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Future Time

The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second, which is less than one second.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports Time

When I was a Republican, Saddam Hussein was our ally, George Bush owned a mediocre baseball team, Enron was a respected energy company and Michael Jackson was still black.

(1950 – ) Greek American author, columnist & website co-founder
Past People Self Time

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Time Work

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer
Communication Speech Time

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
History Relationships Time

Tell him I’ve been too f**king busy – or vice versa.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Sex Situations Time

What is history but a set of lies agreed upon.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
History Time

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Money Time