Author: Anonymous

Too slow to keep worms in a tin.

Intelligence People Stupidity

Most anybody can be a cowboy, but it takes a damn genius to make money at it.

Money Occupations Work

Filing Cabinet: A place where you lose things alphabetically.

Definitions

God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project.

Beliefs God

Misers make wonderful ancestors.

Frugal Money

“Are you homosexual?” Tom queried gaily.

Tom Swifties

… quicker than any other slowdowns

Mixed metaphors

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it.

Murphy’s Laws Time

Graffiti: Urban scrawl.

Communication Definitions Reading/Writing

Life: A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death.

Death Definitions Life

Y Chromosome: The cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

Definitions Men

A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.

Appearance Body People Women

Average Man: A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that.

Definitions People

“I will now demonstrate how to dissect a sheep,” delivered Tom.

Tom Swifties

We drove around and looked at some apartments, and then we looked at some condoms.

Malaprops

“I ain’t afraid of those white men,” said Cochise bravely.

Tom Swifties

Don’t be discouraged if your children reject your advice; years later they will offer it to their offspring.

Beliefs Children Family Opinion

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

Shyster: The other fellow’s lawyer.

Definitions Lawyers

Chance: The pseudonym of God when he does not want to sign.

Definitions

Wood fires help fuel climate change.

Mixed metaphors