Author: Anonymous Page 124

He is so fat… when he joined Overeaters Anonymous and they make him a chapter.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

Situations

Accident: A thing that is caused by people, but often causes people.

Accidents Definitions Problems

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Definitions

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request your presents at the marriage of their daughter…

Malaprops

“I can see through the window,” said Tom stiltedly.

Tom Swifties

99 times out of ten, that's what you'll get.

Mixed metaphors

Cold War: Hot peace.

Conflict Definitions

“I have lost all my Hungarian sheet music,” said Tom listlessly.

Tom Swifties

The walls of medieval cathedrals were supported by flying buttocks.

Malaprops

Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.

Definitions

We are treading on thin water.

Mixed metaphors

“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,” said Tom heartlessly.

Tom Swifties

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Food/Drink

Miser: One who’s perfectly content to let the rest of the world go buy.

Definitions

Like licking honey off a blackberry vine

Expressions

Biting the hand that rocks the cradle

Mixed metaphors

“The situation is grave,” Tom said cryptically.

Tom Swifties

“Consult an investment broker,” was Tom’s stock answer.

Tom Swifties

“A dog bit me,” said Tom rabidly.

Tom Swifties

Electrocardiograph: Ticker tape.

Definitions Wordplay