Author: Anonymous Page 125

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Death Definitions

Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.

Definitions Marriage Wives

Graffiti: Urban scrawl.

Communication Definitions Reading/Writing

The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!

Dating Men Relationships Sex

From now on, I’m watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.

Mixed metaphors

Bridge is a friendly game invented by two married couples who disliked each other.

Activities Games

Democracy: A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety of individual difference.

Definitions Democracy Government

School teachers are not fully appreciated by parents until it rains all day Saturday.

Education Occupations Work

Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.

Definitions Ideas Reading/Writing

Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are German, and the cooks are English.

England

“Everything in Texas is bigger,” he said in measured tones; “Even the cowboys,” he continued hoarsely.

Tom Swifties

Status Quo: Latin for “the mess we’re in.”

Definitions Problems

Doughnut: Holey food.

Definitions Food/Drink

“That horse looks like a good bet at 20 to 1,” said Tom oddly.

Tom Swifties

Aftermath: The horrible headache you have when you’ve finished the algebra test.

Definitions

I could hear footprints.

Malaprops

The early bird gathers no moss.

Mixed metaphors

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Definitions Things

There are two sides to every argument, and they’re usually married to each other.

Communication Conflict Marriage Speech

Budget: An orderly system of living beyond your means.

Definitions

Stomach: A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.

Body Definitions