Author: Anonymous Page 132

He is not the sharpest cookie in the jar.

Mixed metaphors

“Sorry, what I said was a no-brainer?” asked Tom absentmindedly.

Tom Swifties

Life: A breathing spell.

Definitions Life

“We could have made a fortune canning pineapples,” Tom groaned dolefully.

Tom Swifties

Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Definitions Wordplay

Some people pay their bills when due, some when overdue, and some never do.

Money

He goes to church on Sunday, steals chickens on Monday.

Beliefs Expressions Honesty

He's really low dog on the totem pole.

Mixed metaphors

Desk: A waste basket with drawers.

Definitions Things

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

Statistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either.

Definitions Occupations

Butt: The body part that every item of clothing makes “look bigger.”

Appearance Body Definitions

Life: Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, giving everything to the IRS.

Definitions Life Taxes

“The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show,” said Tom deludedly.

Tom Swifties

Hospital Room: A place where friends of the patient go to talk to other friends of the patient.

Definitions

“My neurotic blood-sucking arachnid has put on weight”, said Tom, his nervous tic showing again.

Tom Swifties

Invitro Fertilization: The innoculate conception.

Definitions

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Situations

Lets see who takes the bite on that.

Mixed metaphors

“My wife is going to have a test tube baby”, Tom injected artificially.

Tom Swifties

“I’ve struck oil!” said Tom crudely.

Tom Swifties