Author: Anonymous Page 142

Woodpecker: A knocking bird.

Definitions

Sterilize: What you do to your baby’s first pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it on your shirt.

Definitions Family

“I just got another flat,” he said tiredly.

Tom Swifties

A seven pound baby arrived last night to frighten the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Sherman Caswell.

Malaprops

Falsies: Making mountains out of molehills.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

“The radio reception is much better now,” said Tom ecstatically.

Tom Swifties

Alcatraz: A pen with a lifetime guarantee.

Definitions Wordplay

Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever – but would rather not.

Age

AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink.

Alcohol Definitions Food/Drink

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

Appearance Body Expressions

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

Definitions Doctors Health

… has eaten into the grocery chain’s luxury food side.

Mixed metaphors

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

Work

I'm going to have to kick it off by hand.

Mixed metaphors

Hold the Farm!

Mixed metaphors

“That’s already been taken care of,” Tom pretended.

Tom Swifties

Idle hands are the mother of invention.

Mixed metaphors

“Nobody has scored yet in the tennis game,” said Tom lovingly.

Tom Swifties

“The insect in William’s hand is wearing a yarmulka!” said Tom jubilantly.

Tom Swifties

Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Definitions

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage