Author: Anonymous Page 143

I'm not the kind of person who wears his heart up his sleeve.

Malaprops

Ice Fishing: Winter fishing method in which anglers use a variety of specialized equipment to catch colds.

Definitions

“I shall see to it well in advance,” said Tom tenderly.

Tom Swifties

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

I'm traveling incoherent.

Malaprops

“Now I have the tools to chop down that tree,” said Tom with a heavy accent.

Tom Swifties

He is so ugly… his doctor is a vet.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Nothing is so fallacious as facts, except figures.

Beliefs Facts

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

Husbands Marriage

“The situation is grave,” Tom said cryptically.

Tom Swifties

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Activities Beer Food/Drink

Worry: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Definitions Emotions

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Death Definitions

I’m just talking out loud.

Mixed metaphors

When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

Age Old Young

She is so fat… when you tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

She is so fat… when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Senior Executive: Anyone with an office on the carpeted corridor.

Definitions

Never say “Oops” always say “Ah, interesting!”

Communication Mistakes Problems Speech

Abortion: Love's labor lost.

Definitions

“I compliment the company that makes the Macintosh computer,” said Tom applauding.

Tom Swifties