Author: Anonymous Page 143

Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding.

Activities Definitions Games

Butt: The body part that every item of clothing makes “look bigger.”

Appearance Body Definitions

“Employees are not permitted to have sex on company furniture,” Tom shouted, banging on the table.

Tom Swifties

They need to wake up and smell the music.

Mixed metaphors

She is so stupid… when you said it was chilly outside she went and got a bowl.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.

Cooking Definitions

Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.

Definitions

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

America Food/Drink Places

Famous Last Words: “This is easy.”

Death Definitions

To make the drawers work better, rub them with paraphernalia.

Malaprops

Sanitation Worker: The title conferred on garbage men when they  started earning more than public school teachers.

Definitions Occupations

It's like ice cold electricity passing through your body.

Mixed metaphors

Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with the nation’s economy, the object being to amass as much unearned income as possible before one’s fellow gamblers withdraw from the game and precipitate a nationwide depression.

Definitions Money

Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

Children Definitions Family

He could sell socks to a rooster.

Communication Expressions

“You’re busted!” said the policeman to Miss Parton.

Tom Swifties

She’s so ugly she makes onions cry.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Whiskey: The best thing to take for a headache – the night before.

Alcohol Definitions Food/Drink

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider.

Expressions Food/Drink

Virtue: Insufficient temptation.

Characteristics Definitions

A circle is a line of no depth running round a point forever.

Science/Weather