Author: Anonymous Page 4

“I used to feed the lions at the zoo,” said Tom offhandedly.

Tom Swifties

… prostate with grief

Malaprops

“I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner,” said Tom succinctly.

Tom Swifties

Lawyer: Men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.

Definitions Lawyers

Insurance: A form of gambling in which we bet our chance of escaping disaster, and win only when we lose.

Definitions

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

Communication Men Speech Women

Reformer: One who wants his conscience to be your guide.

Definitions

“One of the ten finalists in the ‘London derriere’ contest had to drop out”, said Tom asininely.

Tom Swifties

“Fire!” yelled Tom alarmingly.

Tom Swifties

Consultant: Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is.

Definitions

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

Animals Definitions

Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges.

Definitions Entertainment Music

Whoa!: A brake for horses.

Animals Definitions

Strapless Gown: A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity.

Clothing Definitions

Wagging Tail: A happy ending.

Definitions

Don't stand behind a coughing cow.

Miscellaneous Proverbs

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Alcohol Food/Drink Life

Bureaucrat: A politician who has tenure.

Definitions Government Politicians

Fruitcake: The gift that keeps on giving.

Definitions

Infinity – where no-one can get, but where all lines meet.

Science/Weather

Democracy: A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety of individual difference.

Definitions Democracy Government