Author: Anonymous Page 5

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape; if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40, if it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

Things

Happier than a pig in slop

Emotions Expressions Happiness

“I can see because I have actual visual organs,” Tom realized.

Tom Swifties

“The lion has its head caught in the skylight,” said Tom uproariously.

Tom Swifties

Tricycle: A tot rod.

Definitions

Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Success

Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world.

Definitions People

Yodeling: Slope opera.

Definitions Wordplay

Philanthropist: One who returns to the people publicly what he steals from them privately.

Definitions People

Bad Driver: The person you run into.

Autos Definitions Things

“My neurotic blood-sucking arachnid has put on weight”, said Tom, his nervous tic showing again.

Tom Swifties

Have no delusions about the past.

Malaprops

It was so cold… the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

Education: What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten from what you learned.

Definitions Education

That’s a kettle of fish of a different color.

Mixed metaphors

Run it up the flag pole and see what sticks.

Mixed metaphors

Jeans: Lower half of the international uniform of youth.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Prejudice: A great time-saver that enables one to form opinions without bothering to get the facts.

Definitions

Rattle some feathers.

Mixed metaphors

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size 6.

Appearance Definitions Fat

The Norwegian language has been described as German spoken underwater.

Communication Language Places