Author: Dave Barry Page 4
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly,’ meaning ‘many,’ and the word ‘ticks,’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
While you can only be young once, you can always be immature.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Megahertz: this is a really, really big hertz.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist