Author: Dave Barry Page 4
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist