Author: Demetri Martin Page 3

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Science/Weather

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Intelligence Wisdom

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Fights Food/Drink

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store I just flip to the about the author section… I’m like, “Done, next!”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Reading/Writing

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Things

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Eating Food/Drink

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations