Author: Demetri Martin Page 3

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Fights Food/Drink

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Science/Weather

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Places

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence Situations

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Fear

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Intelligence Wisdom

I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

I used to play sports; then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Eating Food/Drink

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication People Reading/Writing

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health