Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 4

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Situations Nights Wolves

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Food/Drink Animal crackers Vegetarian

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Chinese Names

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Hypothetical Questions

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Best thing Sliced bread

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations Bathrooms

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Conflict Killing People Hostages Multiple personalities

How is it possible to have a civil war?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict War Wordplay Civility

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Reading/Writing Things ATMs Braille

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Assteroids Hemorrhoids

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication People Speech Egotists

The status quo sucks.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Situations Status quo

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Baseball Sports

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Language Fly Walk Wings

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Things Electricity Lighting

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

History Time Jesus

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Bathrooms Dinner parties

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Evil

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence People Stupidity

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 4

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

The status quo sucks.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

What year did Jesus think it was?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.