Author: George Carlin Page 5

What year did Jesus think it was?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
History Time

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Dance Entertainment Intelligence Music

The status quo sucks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Situations

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Communication Language

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Language

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Ideas Intelligence Language

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Doctors Health Work

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Baseball Sports

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Friends Killing People Young

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs God Religion

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Book Titles

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Beliefs Games

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Fights

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Death People

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things