Author: Mark Twain Page 6

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Honesty Insults Lies

There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities Sleep

Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Reviews/Criticism

Clothes make the man; naked people have little or no influence on society.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance Clothing

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Language

The penis mightier than the sword.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Wordplay

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Opinion

Be good and you will be lonely.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics People Self

Switzerland is simply a large humpy, solid rock, with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Places

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Food/Drink Opinion

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen… I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance Ugly

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Individuals People Situations

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People Self Success

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Fools Government Intelligence World

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Speech Time

Invest in inflation… it’s the only thing going up.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Money