Author: Rita Rudner Page 3

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die… he just didn't want to call you.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men Relationships Time

I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Clothing Shopping

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Doctors Health

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Appearance Beer Body Men

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Film People Self

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Emotions Husbands Love Marriage

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep

A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Dogs Places Women

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: if we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it “jumping up and down.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Exercise

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?… where does the glue go?"

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Food/Drink Science/Weather

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Appearance Body Old

I burned 60 calories… that should take care of the peanut I ate in 1962.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Body Exercise Fat

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle… it wasn’t mine.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Dance Entertainment