Author: Steven Wright Page 7

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

It’s not an optical illusion; it just looks like one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Killing

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Body Characteristics Death Fat

I’m a psychic amnesiac… I know in advance what I’ll forget.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Work