Author: Steven Wright Page 9

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Government Lawyers Occupations Work

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Past Things Time

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know… granted, it takes longer.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Past Time

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out; when she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab… the movie cost me $95.00.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film Money

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Money

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Science/Weather

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Fat Hockey