Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Smoking

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Harold Bissonette in “It’s a Gift” Drunk

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind” Busy

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Government Law Lawyers Mothers People Legitimacy

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Food/Drink

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Food/Drink Health Babies Illness Milk

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People TV/Movie Quotes Women As Commodore Jackson in “Mississippi”

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As J. Effingham Bellweather in “The Golf Specialist”

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Reading/Writing Comedians

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Laziness Pancakes

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Acting Communication Entertainment Film Speech

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Things Stick Trust Water

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Death Dead fish Swim

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Mae West

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Failure Situations Success

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Death Food/Drink Whiskey

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.