Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Relationships Women Millionaires

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Health Heart Worry

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Hangovers

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Situations Gambling

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!”

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Occupations TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Comedians Stealing

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee”

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

I drink therefore I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Wordplay

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Cooking Food/Drink Wine

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Time When asked during prohibition why (if he didn't have a drinking problem) he bought 300 cases of gin before it started

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Tying the knot

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

Categories

Additional Categories

Oops...

Some Popular Authors

Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

I drink therefore I am.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.