Subject: Family » Mothers

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher

Bernadette: Everyone’s a better mom than me.

(1981 – ) Indian-English actor

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we’re not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.

(1970 – ) American actress

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: ‘Bring her over; I’ll be in the kitchen—with my head in the oven.‘

(1931 – 2005) American actor

I don’t visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won’t wait in the yard while I run in.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.

(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

As my mother used to say, ‘You’ll get unconditional love from me when you’ve earned it.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate; I said ‘Just wait.’

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The Good Mommies’ Guide To Raising (Almost) Perfect Daughters

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor