Subject: Family » Mothers

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright

[My mother] is the only woman in the world who makes gravy with the Rolaids crushed right into it.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

Rich people bring a lawyer; Latinos and blacks bring their moms.

(1976 – ) comedian

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

You might be a redneck if… your during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

Socialite: Whatever possessed you to be born in a place like Lowell, Massachusetts?

Whistler: I wished to be near my mother.

(1834 – 1903) American-born, British-based artist

You know a man is a redneck if his mama keeps a spit-can on the ironin' board.

(1926 – 1998) American country comedian

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian













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