Subject: Family » Mothers

Rich people bring a lawyer; Latinos and blacks bring their moms.

(1976 – ) comedian

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor

What’s the toughest thing in a professional football game? … Its being the mother of the quarterback.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.

comedian, composer & lyricist

Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I don’t visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won’t wait in the yard while I run in.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.


My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances.

British-Asian comedian
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