Subject: Family » Mothers

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

What’s the toughest thing in a professional football game? … Its being the mother of the quarterback.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

How do I explain her? [her mother] She’s as respected as Mother Theresa, she’s as powerful as Stalin, and she’s as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

I know how to do anything — I’m a mom.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

It’s better to be black than gay, because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.

(1926 – 1999) actor, comedian & female impersonator

I don’t visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won’t wait in the yard while I run in.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

I didn’t hate my mother; it was an accident!

(1940 – 1994) Puerto Rican actor

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.

My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances.

British-Asian comedian

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

Moms Who Drink and Swear

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