Subject: Marriage (Page 34)

The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.

Appearance Cooking Food/Drink Husbands Marriage Murphy’s Laws

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Husbands Marriage Self Wives

Wedding Ring: A one-man band.

Definitions Marriage

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do… but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Husbands Marriage Wives

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Children Marriage

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Alcohol Marriage Men

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage

If a tree falls in the forest and hits my wife, but nobody else is around, does a chainsaw still make a noise?

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage Wives

Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.

Definitions Marriage Wives

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host
Death Husbands Marriage Wives

Have you heard about the woman who stabbed her husband thirty-seven times? … I admire her restraint.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Conflict Marriage Wives

Having one wife is called monotony.

Malaprops Marriage

Marriage: A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred.

Definitions Marriage

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Emotions Happiness Love Marriage Money Wealth

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

My wife is Hawaiian; well… no she’s not, but she’s shaped like a pineapple.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Wives

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception.

(1951 – ) American author, playwright & lyricist
Marriage

If you hate gay marriage, then don't marry a gay person.

(1977 – ) Australian comedian
Marriage People

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor
Conflict Fights Marriage

Newlywed: A man who puts up the storm windows the first time his wife suggests it.

Definitions Marriage

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men People