Subject: Marriage (Page 32)

Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage Men School

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic
Marriage Wives

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance Body Marriage Wives

As soon as they get married, they all get these big old guts on them; that's not from drinking beer – that's from swallowing pride.

stand-up comedian
Alcohol Body Fat Husbands Marriage Men People

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Children Family Marriage Mothers

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.

Churchill, in reply: If you were my wife, I’d drink it.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Insults Marriage People

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Divorce Marriage

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor
Emotions Government Law Lawyers Marriage

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Children Family Marriage Proverbs

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

(1533 – 1592) French writer
Marriage

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

Definitions Marriage

You know the honeymoon's over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Marriage

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)
Communication Divorce Marriage Speech Wives

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast time.

(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright
Marriage Time

Insanity: Grounds for divorce in some states; grounds for marriage in all

Definitions Marriage

Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary.

Definitions Marriage Time

A husband always prefers his wife’s mother-in-law to his own.

Marriage

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

(1772 – 1834) English poet, literary critic & philosopher
Marriage