Subject: Situations

Enough is never enough.

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Tell him I’ve been too f**king busy – or vice versa.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


You win some, you lose some, and then there’s that little-known third category.

(1948 – ) U.S. vice president & politician, author & environmentalist

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor

I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.

English football player, manager & sports commentator

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.


There is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I've been on more laps than a napkin.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I was born gay, but eight months of breast feeding wiped that right out.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me: “How many in your party?” and I said “Six hundred million.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian

You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

(1880 – ?) American author

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

(1967 – ) American television host, producer, writer & comedian

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.