Subject: Situations

It hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian

Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

What we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

(1917 –1986) American journalist

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach

I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If I could take just one thing to a desert island… I probably wouldn’t go.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Two blind fellows walk into a wall…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor

It was a tough gig; they had to wake me up to fire me.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Being tired isn't the same as being rich, but most times it's close enough.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.

(1914 – ) American comic & actor

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

If it looks easy, it's tough… if it looks tough, it's near impossible.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian

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