Subject: Situations

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day; she said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, All right, but we're not going to get much done.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

My son has taken up meditation… at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing.


I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.

I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman

I tried to throw a yo-yo away; it was impossible.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING… I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor

Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
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