Subject: Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Situations Time

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," – 'til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations

I went to convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

(1982 – ) American author
Communication Situations

To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations Work

I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Situations

You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations Things

My doctor said, 'I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!'

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

I like trying to get pregnant; I'm not so sure about childbirth.

Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator
Sex Situations

I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Future Relationships Situations Time

He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.

Situations

He just can’t believe what’s not happening to him.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Colemanballs Misspokements Situations

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Situations Things

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

comedian & animator
Situations

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Money Situations

Fighting fire with fire only gets you ashes!

(1918 – ) American advice columnist
Situations

The next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements Situations