Subject: Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

I’m a simple man; all I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.

(1954 – 2011) Canadian author

The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

Up the creek without a saddle.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

The more he looked inside the more Piglet wasn’t there.

fictional character from the book series by A. A. Milne

It's bad when they don't perform your operas – but when they do, it's far worse.

(1835 – 1921) French Late-Romantic composer, conductor & pianist

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer

An actor enters through a door, you've got nothing; but if he enters through a window, you've got a situation.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.

An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian

Order is an exotic in Ireland; it has been imported from England but it will not grow. It suits neither soil nor climate.

(1818 – 1894) English historian, novelist, biographer & editor

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

(1961 – ) English comedian, actor, director, producer & writer

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

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