Subject: Time

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him.

(1820 – 1903) English philosopher

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

(1837 – 1920) American author

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 a.m… it could be the right number.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

There’s no future in time travel.

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.

(1916 – 1997) newspaper journalist

History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren’t there.

(1863 – 1952) Spanish American philosopher, essayist, poet & novelist

Eternity's a terrible thought… I mean, where's it all going to end?

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.

Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years; men reach theirs after about four minutes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I grew up in Europe… where the history comes from.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second, which is less than one second.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

The difference between God and the historians consists above all in the fact that God cannot alter the past.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian

During the feminist seventies men were caught between a rock and a hard-on; in the fathering eighties they are caught between good hugs and bad hugs.

(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

The length of debate varies inversely with the complexity of the issue.

While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don’t keep and eye on can make an awful mess on your stove.

(1820 – 1897) Mormon missionary
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