Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Dick Clark went to a psychic; she told him, in a previous life, he was Dick Clark.
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
(1956 – ) American comedian
History doesn't repeat itself – historians merely repeat each other.
First Rule of History
If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.
(1874 – 1963) American poet
Just give me a shave… I haven’t time to listen to a haircut.
To one’s barber
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
Project scheduling "99" rule
The past always looks better than it was because it isn't here.
Finley Peter Dunne
(1867 – 1936) author & humorist
If you’ve only got one day to live, come see the Toronto Maple Leafs… it’ll seem like forever.
Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday; I’ll tell you what… never again.
(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
I love my Fed-Ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it…and he's always on time.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him.
(1820 – 1903) English philosopher
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
There must be one day above all others in each life that is the happiest
Corollary: What if you’ve already had it?
Lucy Van Pelt's Observation
The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
, an American humor magazine
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
(1803 – 1869) French Romantic composer
I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking; but I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going.
William Norman Birkett
(1883 – 1962) British barrister, judge, politician & preacher
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