Subject: Time

What is history but a set of lies agreed upon.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.

(1937 – 2000) science fiction author

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

When a person says that, in the interest of saving time, he will summarize his prepared statement, he will talk only three times as long as if he had read the statement in the first place.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

Anyone who believes you can't change history has never tried to write his memoirs.

(1886 – 1973) Israeli prime minister

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

During the feminist seventies men were caught between a rock and a hard-on; in the fathering eighties they are caught between good hugs and bad hugs.

(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

(1803 – 1869) French Romantic composer

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

I went to the 24-hour grocer; when I got there, the guy was locking the front and I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The future ain’t what it used to be.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Brought up in the provinces in the forties and fifties one learned early the valuable lesson that life is generally something that happens elsewhere.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Give me two years, and I'll make her an overnight star.

(1891 – 1958) American president of Columbia Pictures & producer

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