Author: Dave Barry Page 2
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The reason it’s called “Grape Nuts” is that it … is catchier, in terms of marketing, than “A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,” which is what it tastes like.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
New York is the only place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do then some day, maybe – just maybe – you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It always rains on tents; rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist