Subject: Appearance (Page 37)

You would think with all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People

My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat Girlfriends

When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.

Clothing Money Murphy’s Laws

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Marriage

A plastic surgeon increases your face value.

Appearance

No woman can be too rich or too thin.

Duchess of Windsor (1896 – 1986) American socialite & wife of the Prince Edward, formerly King Edward VIII
Appearance People Wealth Women

G String: Gownless evening strap.

Clothing Definitions

You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she can fit into your wife's clothes.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Marriage

Being born with a pair of beady eyes was the best thing that ever happened to me.

(1925 – 1989) American actor
Appearance

Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Body Definitions

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Clothing

If brains were all that important in a beauty contest, you could enter wearing a Hefty Bag.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Appearance Body Intelligence

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

I hate thin people; “Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Marriage

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

I don’t want to lose weight; my tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Friends People Young

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never, and two, if you’re selling ice cream.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Appearance Clothing

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance

I got a run in my neon stockings.

Clothing Malaprops

He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog.

(1925 – ) American author and literary, theater & film critic
Appearance Insults