Subject: Appearance (Page 51)

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

I like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Communication Language

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

The coffee has burned my face! I'm going to be distorted!

Appearance Malaprops

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Body Fat Men People Women

She had curves in places other women don’t even have places.

(1950 – ) American actress, singer & model
Appearance Body

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Characteristics Clothing

I'm Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Appearance People

His nose is so big… he could smoke a cigar in the shower.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

Women love a self-confident bald man.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Appearance Hair

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self Ugly

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Appearance Hair Insults

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Things

This is day 14 of my head held hostage by this god awful haircut.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance

If brains were all that important in a beauty contest, you could enter wearing a Hefty Bag.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Appearance Body Intelligence

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.

Appearance Clothing

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde—dyed by her own hand.

(1915 – 2005) Canadian writer
Appearance Hair People Women

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Body Mothers Science/Weather

His face is sagging with tension.

English sports commentator
Appearance Misspokements Sports