Subject: Beliefs (Page 17)

I'm looking for loopholes.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Beliefs Reading/Writing Religion

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs Places

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Characteristics Communication Honesty Lies

Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

(1942 – 1999) American actress
Beliefs Marriage Sex

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Elections/Voting God Government

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Characteristics Honesty

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

(1922 – 1995) English novelist & poet
Beliefs Religion

Why's God always got such wacky shit to say?… when's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'

American comedian & actor
Beliefs Communication God Speech

Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Definitions Honesty

1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts. 3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

Facts Murphy’s Laws

Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.

Beliefs Definitions People

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Beliefs People Understanding

Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions Religion

I definitely want Brooklyn [his daughter] to be Christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.

professional football player
Beliefs Misspokements Religion

Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.

Beliefs

There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs Religion

WTF, I thought I voted for a Muslim?!

Beliefs Religion

The difference between a Northern Baptist and a Southern Baptist was that a Northern Baptist says, "There ain't no Hell," and a Southern Baptist says, "The hell 'ere ain't."

(1926 – 1983) American comedian & singer
Beliefs Religion

Nothing is so fallacious as facts, except figures.

Beliefs Facts

You don’t listen to a guy who looks like the kid in ‘Deliverance’ all grown up.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Government Opinion Politicians

The one prediction that never comes true is, “You’ll thank me for telling you this.”

(1938 – ) journalist, columnist (Miss Manners)
Beliefs Opinion