Subject: Communication (Page 36)

What Do We Want? Respectful Discourse.
When Do We Want It?!
Now Would Be Agreeable to Me, but I am Interested in Your Opinion.

Communication Signs

He who shouts loudest has the floor.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Speech

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." … he said, "That means somebody is talking about it.”

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Communication Speech

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Conflict Speech

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.


Communication Situations Wordplay

Americans like fat books and thin women.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Appearance Body Books Communication People Reading/Writing Women

Dictum on television scripts: We don't want it good – we want it Tuesday.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
Communication Entertainment Reading/Writing Television

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

I believe in the right to arm bears.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Beliefs Opinion Wordplay

Men can say things in stores women can't believe like, "but I already have a pair of black pants.”

(1952 – ) comedian
Men People Shopping Speech Women

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Work

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages; you get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Marriage Sex Wordplay

When in doubt, ascribe all quotations to Bernard Shaw.

(1944 – ) English writer & broadcaster
Communication Language Reading/Writing

Apex: A gorilla’s old girlfriend.

Definitions Wordplay

Honeymoon: The morning after the knot before.

Communication Definitions Marriage

What happened to the first 6 “ups?”

Communication Food/Drink Language

Oh, if I could piss the way he speaks!

(1841 – 1929) French statesman, physician & journalist
Insults Speech

Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother’s.

(1946 – ) Romanian-born American poet, novelist, essayist & commentator
Books Communication Food/Drink

It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment; it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Communication Misspokements Speech

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay