Subject: Health (Page 18)

I’d have to get better just to die.

Expressions Health

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Doctors Health

Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.

Definitions Health

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

professional football player
Appearance Body Football Health Sports

If you have s stomach ache, in France you get a suppository, in Germany a health spa, in the United States they cut your stomach open and in Britain they put you on a waiting list.

(1955 – ) English politician
Health Places

The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

(1921 – 2000) comedian, television host, musician, actor & writer
Health

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

Definitions Doctors Health

Germs attack people where they're weakest – which is why there are so many head colds.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Intelligence

He once had a unbiblical hernia.

Health Malaprops

He was in cardial arrest.

Health Malaprops

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

Penicillin: What to give a man who has everything.

Definitions Health Wordplay

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Situations

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

What Moles Tell You About Yourself

Book Titles Health

I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.

American comedian
Health

What am I drinking? … NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink Health