Subject: Health (Page 2)

You might be a redneck if… you have used a bar stool as a walker.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Health People

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Health Sports

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations

Life is a terminal disease.

Health Life

Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.

Definitions Doctors

Suicide is cheating the doctor out of a job.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Death Doctors Health

… having too much collateral in your blood.

Health Malaprops

Urinalysis: The study of pissed off people.

Definitions Health Wordplay

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Doctors Health People

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Doctors Health

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health Life

My uncle died of Lou Sterrett's disease.

Health Malaprops

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health Self

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat Health

Money cannot buy health, but I'll settle for a diamond studded wheelchair.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Health Money

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health People

What am I drinking? … NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

Hypochondriac: One who can’t leave well-enough alone.

Definitions Health

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Health

As I get older I'm going to hear "You look great" a lot less than I'm going to hear "You look sick.”

American stand-up comedian
Age Appearance Health Old