Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Health
(Page 22)
If you’re feeling good, don’t worry… you’ll get over it.
Boling's Postulate
Health
Murphy’s Laws
Optimism
Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? … because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
Anonymous
Health
PMS
The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Doctors
Health
Life
People
Patient
Psychiatrist
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics
Health
Situations
Addictions
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Health
Sports
Herpes
She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Doctors
Family
Fathers
Health
Beauty
Surgeon
It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Health
Hollywood
Places
Delirium tremens
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Games
Health
Charades
Heart attacks
I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called ‘the flu.’
Jay Mohr
(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Appearance
Body
Health
Diet
Flu
… one says to the other her mum had a cyst on on her
aviary.
Anonymous
Health
Malaprops
Ovary
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
First Principle for Patients
Doctors
Health
Murphy’s Laws
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health
Nauseous
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Health
Money
Places
Hospital beds
Taxi cabs
After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.
Anonymous
Doctors
Health
When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay, but here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
Art Buchwald
(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Government
Health
Money
Medicare
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health
Analysts
Therapy
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health
Love
Marriage
Wives
Ambulance
Heart attacks
The rate of hospital admissions responds to bed availability; if we insist on installing more beds, they will tend to get filled.
Roemer's Law
Health
Murphy’s Laws
Hospitals
My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Doctors
Health
Shrinks
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Ogden Nash
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children
Family
Health
Men
Women
Common cold
The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.
Barack Obama
(1961 – ) 44th U.S. president
Government
Health
Misspokements
Page 22 of 25
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