Subject: Health (Page 22)

If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

American actor & comedian
Health People Women

Time may be a great healer, but’s it’s a lousy beautician.

Appearance Health Time

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Health

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician
Doctors Government Health Law Lawyers

I have kleptomania; but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter
Health

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian
Government Health

Any dentist who says “This won’t hurt a bit” is lying through your teeth.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Health

Vagina?… that sounds like something you call in sick with.

American comedian & television host
Communication Health Language

Minor surgery is surgery that someone else is having.

U.S. Senator (1942 – 2015) U.S. senator (Tennessee) & actor
Health

A cure for agoraphobics is just around the corner.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Health Language

I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Doctors Emotions Health

The closest thing I have to a nutritionist is the Carlsberg Beer Company.

(1976 – ) Irish actor
Beer Eating Food/Drink Health

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

The less we know about a disease, the more medicines are available to treat it.

Health Murphy’s Laws

She caught a touch of laryngosis from the smoke.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Misspokements

Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

(1952 – ) comedian
Health Money

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better; but don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

(1931 – 1995) American baseball player
Age Health Old

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Doctors

I don't need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Age Health Old

Dyselxics Have More Nuf.

Communication Health Language