Subject: Marriage (Page 10)

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Autos Driving Marriage Wives

I’d like to marry a nice domesticated homosexual with a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.

(1960 – ) English comedian, novelist & actress
Housework Marriage Men

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

My parents got divorced after 40 years… that's the longest game of chicken ever.

American comedian
Divorce Marriage

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Divorce Emotions Love Marriage

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Happiness Marriage

Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom; wait until they have been married longer.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Husbands Marriage Time Wives

Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Husbands Insults Marriage Sex

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it.

Divorce Marriage

Husband: A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.

Definitions Marriage

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

Housework Husbands Murphy’s Laws Wives

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Money Speech

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

I’ve been married for 10 years… I haven’t made a decision for seven.

(1973 – ) English comedian
Marriage

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she’s a householder.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright
Marriage

Brides aren’t happy – they are triumphant.

(1882 – 1942) American actor
Marriage

Christmas is not the time for regrets… that's what anniversaries are for.

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.

Marriage Proverbs War