Subject: People (Page 70)

If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you… the next time he’s in need.

Friends Murphy’s Laws Old People

If your son's name is Dale Jr. and your name's not Dale… you might be a redneck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

Modesty: Being comfortable that others will soon discover your greatness.

Definitions Self

At their core, women fear that men will kill them; at their core, men fear that women will laugh at them.

(1954 – ) security specialist, advisor & author
Characteristics Emotions Killing Laughter Men People Women

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things

The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Characteristics Men People

An expert really doesn't know anymore than you do. He is merely better organized and has slides.

Murphy’s Laws People

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Body Fat Men People Women

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Appearance Beer Body Men

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
People Situations

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
People Self Sex

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
People

I thank God for creating gay men; because if it wasn’t for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
People

If it wasn't for white people, who would play lead guitar?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Entertainment Music People

A woman who can't forgive should never have more than a nodding acquaintance with a man.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Men People Women

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Money People

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats People Self

There were three things that Chico was always on – a phone, a horse, or a broad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Murphy’s Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.

Murphy’s Laws People