Subject: People » Self (Page 18)

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers – they’re going to make a game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Activities Death Games People Self

I have become rather like King Midas, except that everything turns not into gold but into a circus.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
People Self

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Self Wordplay

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

If I had my life to live over, I wouldn't have time.

(1936 – 1992) singer, songwriter, musician & actor
Life People Self Time

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

There is only one difference between a madman and me – the madman thinks he is sane… I know I am mad.

(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter
Intelligence People Self

Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.

(1935 – ) British actress, singer & author
People Self

It’s weird to hear a girl laugh when I’m not making love to her.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Laughter People Self Sex

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Laughter People Self

When I was young, I looked like Al Capone but I lacked his compassion.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
People Self

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

There is no ‘I’ in self-esteem.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Characteristics Self

Remember to always be yourself… unless you suck.

(1964 – ) screenwriter, executive producer, director, composer & actor
Characteristics People Self

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Self

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Relationships Self

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

Excuse my dust.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Epitaphs Self

Do not punish yourself, you deprive the world of its purpose.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Life Self

I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

(1904 – 1995) American comedian, jazz musician & singer
Alcohol Food/Drink Self