Subject: Places (Page 34)

Go to L.A. – they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.

American stand-up comedian
Conflict People Places

Englishwomen's shoes look as if they had been made by someone who had often heard shoes described, but had never seen any.

(1910 – 1997) American writer
Appearance Clothing England Insults Places

There’s lots of nice guys walking around Hollywood, but they ain’t eating

(1898 –1985) American film director & producer
Hollywood People Places

In China, the piano piece ‘Chopsticks’ is known as ‘Knife and Fork.’

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
Entertainment Music Places

I am the only Iranian comedian in the world… and that's three more than Germany!

(1965 – ) British-Iranian comedian, actor & writer
Places

He worked like hell in the country so he could live in the city, where he worked like hell so he could live in the country.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
America Places Work

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine's putting in an express lane.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Places

We know Jesus can’t have been English; he is always wearing sandals, but never with socks.

(1958 – 2006) English radio performer, stand-up comic & writer
Appearance England Places

In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.

America Murphy’s Laws Places

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

America Places Situations

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Places

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
America Children Family Parents People Places

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
America Characteristics England Husbands Women

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Definitions Health Places

President Bush has just one question for the American voters: is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were 4 years ago?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
America Money

Irish people are Italians who can’t dress, Jamaicans who can’t dance.

(1960 – ) Irish singer-songwriter, musician, philanthropist & publicity seeker
People Places

I would like to live in Manchester, England; the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Insults Places

The Devil himself had probably re-designed Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts.

(1928 – ) English author
Places

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

A Kerry footballer with an inferiority complex is one who thinks he’s just as good as everybody else.

(1928 – 2002) Irish playwright, novelist & essayist
Colemanballs Places

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson – and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Places Success